The Slow-Cooked Sentence

It’s nice to read a book that let’s me off the hook as a parent, a book that encourages me to loosen up and enjoy my kids knowing that their health, intelligence, happiness, success, character and values are largely determined by behavioural genetics and not parental effort. (I read the list again, then smile and sigh.)

“If you imagine that your children’s future is in your hands, and single-mindedly do ‘whatever is best for your kids,’ then one child is more than enough to ruin your life,” Bryan Caplan writes in “Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids.” “But once you accept that your children’s future is largely up to them and remember that your happiness counts, too, an unplanned set of twins is no big deal.”

I should know this because I’ve been conducting my own unplanned twin experiment for 10 years, yet I still benefit from the reminder. Why? Caplan said it’s the illusion of control, and I think he’s right based on my own odd couple. It makes no difference whether I cajole, command or censure, one son stays sloppy. And no matter how much I rebuke or remind, the other son holds grudges. If I mashed the two of them together I’d come up with a perfect and boring kid, but why manipulate, mold and mangle my kids when research has proven that nature, and not nurture, is the main reason people turn out the way they do? I shouldn’t feel guilty that my 3-year-old has cavities and I shouldn’t push academics on my brainy 13-year-old. After all, I don’t try to change my friends and I can’t change my husband (although I’ve tried once or twice), so why not just let my kids be?

“If you push yourself, you might be a first-rate tutor, coach, driver and cheering section for two children. With four kids, there aren’t enough hours in the day to wear every hat well,” Caplan writes.

The other half of Caplan’s book addresses why we should have more kids:

“We may feel sure that the pursuit of happiness and kids (or at least more kids) are incompatible, but it is the average person’s enlightened self-interest to have more kids,” he writes. “That’s right – people are not having enough children for their own good.  Prospective parents need to take another look before they decide not to leap.  Current parents need to take another look before they decide not to leap again.”

He gives four big reasons for having more, but, in my case, he was preaching to the choir, since my small army is often more than I can handle.  I put down the book and came up with a few reasons why I love my fantastic four: They entertain themselves (and me). They are cheap labor so long as my standards for cleanliness are low. We contain a wow-factor when out in public together. And they are efficient berry-pickers, although I must work quickly if I want to make jam.